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January 31, 2004
Here are some 2003 “Grow-a-Brain” Jokes
These are GQ 100 funniest jokes of All Time? An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
(1/18/04)
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
(1/13/04)
The Texan Farmer (From "Harry Leichter's Clean Jewish Humor" )
(1/5/04)
"For 95 points" Which tire was it?
(12/23/03)
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have
my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a dry waller?"
(12/9/03) - Thanks Wayne M.
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk: "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
"What denomination ?" says the clerk
The woman says: "Oy vey! Has it come to this ? Okay, Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform. "
(12/9/03)
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
(11/14/03)
Mrs. Goldberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She was asked to step behind a screen and remove her clothes so the doctor could examine her. At some point during the examination, Mrs. Goldberg said, "Excuse me, doctor, can I ask you a question?" "Certainly," the doctor replied. "Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?"
(11/10/03)
"Dyselxics Have More Nuf" - Steven Wright One-Liners
(10/26/03)
A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies: "I don't know Mr. *****, I'm only here to wash yourface and hands."
He struggles again to ask: "Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies: "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced: "Nothing wrong with your testicles."
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again: "I said...Are my test results back!?"
The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this ...
(10/7/03)
Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.
The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee. he didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.
The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice. Still no reaction.
The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor. The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.
"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack. "No," said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."
(9/29/03) - From Ernie
From: "Braindroppings" by George Carlin:
People I Can Do Without:
*People who whistle cowboy songs during a funeral.
*Anyone who refers to Charles Manson as "Chuck."
*A tall man with a Slavic accent wearing a bow tie of human flesh.
*Any couple who owns "his and hers" rectal thermometers.
*A girl whose wallet contains nude photos of Sam Donaldson or Yassir Arafat.
*Any man who can ingest a quart of vegetable soup through his nose in one long suck.
*A priest with an eye patch and a limp who's selling pieces of the cross.
*Anyone who takes off work on Ted Bundy's birthday.
*A man with gold front teeth who wants to play stud poker on the floor of the bus station men's room.
*Anyone who gets plastic surgery in an attempt to look more intelligent.
*A man with one cloven hoof who wants to give my daughter a hysterectomy.
*A seventy-year old man wearing gag underpants that say "We visited the Grassy Knoll."
*Any man with a birthmark shaped like a hypodermic needle.
*Any woman who repeatedly gives me a high five during sex.
*A cross-eyed man in a New Year's hat reciting "Casey at the Bat" in latin.
*Anyone who receives e-mail from Willard Scott.
*A man who plunges a bone-handled carving fork though his neck in order to get my attention.
*Anyone with three nostrils.
*A retarded twelve-year old who carries more than six books of matches.
*Any man who gives himself a Harvey Wallbanger enema. On the rocks.
*Any person bleeding from three orifices who wants me to cosign on a loan.
100's more.... (8/31/03)
Not all jokes are funny. Some are sad jokes ....
(8/25/03)
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
At the end of his first day on the job, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "
(8/12/03) - Thank you, Sammy M.
The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
(8/2/03) - Thank you, Phillip D.L.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St Patrick".
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and get your $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
(8/2/03) - Thank you, Sammy M.
Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A: A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson
(8/2/03)
Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"
"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.
"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.
"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.
Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge"
A racist Canadian joke - May offend.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog".
Many More Odd Jokes and other Funny Stuff Here
January 31, 2004 in Jokes | Permalink
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