September 12, 2005
"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat..."
- Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
“Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. “
“No, the name's Lou.”
- Your computer?
“I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. “
“I told you, my name's Lou”
- What about Windows?
"Why? Will it get stuffy in here?"
- Do you want a computer with Windows?
"I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?"
"Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software."
- Software for Windows?...
The Italian man who went to Malta (Actually, it's a re-post... Can't remember all the stuff buried here any more...)
Jeremy says to his friend David: "Cohen and Levy were on their way to..."
Suddenly David butts in: "You're always telling Jewish jokes. Why not pick on some other minority for a change!"
Jeremy thinks for a moment then says: "Fine... Paddy and Murphy were on their way to their nephew's barmitzvah." More Jewish Jokes of the Day
The aristocrats by Jeremy Banx
About G. Legman’s The Rationale of the Dirty Joke
July 24, 2005
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore"
Many more Jokes on Translation there
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: I'm not sure, but if the answer is "A cure for Parkinson's disease," then Bush will try to stop scientists from breeding them. Because he likes it when people get Parkinson's.
- Although I Like a Good George Bush Joke as Much as the Next Guy, Some of Them Seem Gratuitous and Mean-Spirited
There are three rules about telling a bad joke
Voicemail: Honey? It’s your mother. And I’m afraid I have some really bad news. Could you give me a call as soon as you get in?
[I frantically dial her phone number]
I: Ma? It’s Ian, I just got your message. What’s going on?!
M: [Brightly] Oh hi, honey! How are you?
I: I’m… well I’m fine, but you said you had some bad news?
M: Oh, yes. [Somberly] Do you remember Mrs. Ikeson, who lived next door to us when you were in elementary school? Well I we just got her annual Christmas letter in the mail, and she said that her dog Buster has diabetes.
April 30, 2005
No Pope Jokes
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral".
“Something Awful” had a contest of Jokes with realistic endings (Many, obviously, offensive. From Famous Author Rob Byrnes)
- "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
- "I think so, Brain, but if it was only supposed to be a three hour tour why did the Howells bring all their money?"
From some TV show called Pinky & The Brain(?)
March 26, 2005
To soup - may it be seen and not heard
"Achhk, you bahhhhhstaaard! That's not me bagpipe!" and 49 other “Absolute Bottom Joke Punchlines”. No 49: "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales rep for a large firm…
“Pair up in threes” - Yogi Berra quotes
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day…
The political situation in Iraq is so hilarious, now that the country is liberated and democracy thrives, that the citizenry can finally release its frustrations with some harmless Iraqi ethnic jokes
January 23, 2005
PERSON 1: That's an awful gash you've got on your forehead! How did you get it?
PERSON 2: I bit myself.
PERSON 1: How the hell did you manage to bite yourself on the forehead?
PERSON 2: I stood on a chair.
Defective Yeti, inventor of jokes
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
With mean friends like that who needs enemies?
From “Dribble Glass”: I called my boss to tell him I'll be out sick. The boss pressed for specifics, so I said, "Sir, I have rectal glaucoma ." "And what does that mean?" asked the boss. "I just can't see my ass coming in to work today." I replied
Five Things I'm Glad I Learned By Watching The Mistakes of Others
"What's for lunch?" my husband asked as I worked in the garden.
"Whatever you prepare," I replied curtly. "Imagine I'm dead. What would you do then?" "Okay," he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. "Very well," he replied. "I had a lovely salad." "What about me?" I asked. "I thought you were dead," he said.
It was not the detergent that killed the dog
A few lame reactions to the worst joke in the history of mankind
November 28, 2004
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No habla ingles." From GQ’s 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time. Also there, “This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures”
Funniest joke ever told by a dog
A middle-aged man and his wife are out to dinner to celebrate her forty-fifth birthday.
He says, "So, what would you like, Sarah? A Jaguar? A mink coat? A diamond necklace? A cruise?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."
He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Also, from The Friars Club Jokebook:
It was the end of the school year and the students were giving their teacher gifts. The teacher knew the profession of the kids' parents so she would guess what they got her.
The florist's daughter gave her a box, she put it over her head and shook it. "Are they flowers?" asked the teacher, the student replied, "How did you know?"
Then the candy shop owner's son came with a box, she put it over her head and said "Is it candy?" The student said, "How'd you know??"
Then the liquor store owner's son, Johnny, came and the teacher saw the box leaking. She put her finger on it, sucked juice of the finger and said, "Is it wine?"
Johnny shook his head. Then she licked it again, "Vodka?"
Johnny replied, "No. It's a puppy."
(The point about jokes is that if you heard them all, you’ve heard them all. But how to remember a good joke when you need one?) Many More Crazy Jokes Here
August 27, 2004
Top 10 Jokes
Look for guidance in the good book: Open your Bible, and put your finger down on a random page
TOP 10 McGreevey jokes from Mookie
Cajun Jokes: You Might be Cajun If You gave up Tabasco for Lent
July 13, 2004
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mommy said, "Not yet, honey."
Monty Python’s Funniest Joke in the World: This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.
A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.
"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
More Scottish Jokes
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”
Why look for some funny flash animations, when you can find all of them in one place?
June 21, 2004
Can’t tell jokes? Read on
A Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize when he was looking around and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1." (You may have heard this old joke in many other variations. From Salt Shakers Jewish Jokes)
What do you call a trombonist with a beeper? A optimist… and more Music Jokes
Scientists devise 'perfect joke' formula: The calculation c=(m+n0)/p considers the length of time it takes to build up the joke, the number of puns and how many times a character falls over.
May 29, 2004
A rabbi and a priest went into a bar…
A. Why do Canadian anarchists like donuts so much?
B. Because it's a circle, eh?...
A. What is the definition of a really good tax accountant?
B. Someone who has a loophole named after him.
More Accounting Jokes here
Q. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
A. It saves time.
Two cannibals were sitting around a campfire one evening after supper. One cannibal says to the other: "your wife makes good soup!"
“…I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.”
Lawyer Joke Emporium from NOLO
A few, Hilarious Jokes Here
April 26, 2004
How much does a Matta Baby cost?
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A fish
Not funny - American Express threatens Brad Templeton over a joke on his web site
This room is full of people that think you are funny
Drummer Jokes like these -
What do Ginger Baker and 7-11 coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
Punch Line - The history of jokes and those who collect them
The Saddam and George show from February 2003
March 12, 2004
Joke of the Day
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
Are you tired of Jewish jokes? All we ever hear are "Jewish" jokes and sometimes they grow tiresome;
So, for a refreshing change of pace, here are some Gentile jokes:
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says:
"This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
On a different level: Yo Momma Insults for Coders
January 31, 2004
Here are some 2003 “Grow-a-Brain” Jokes
These are GQ 100 funniest jokes of All Time? An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We'll take care of it, ma'am" and yells back "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
"For 95 points" Which tire was it?
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have
my beer and my sandwich, please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.
"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a dry waller?"
(12/9/03) - Thanks Wayne M.
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk: "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
"What denomination ?" says the clerk
The woman says: "Oy vey! Has it come to this ? Okay, Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform. "
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
Mrs. Goldberg, age 75, went to see a gynecologist for the first time in her life. She was asked to step behind a screen and remove her clothes so the doctor could examine her. At some point during the examination, Mrs. Goldberg said, "Excuse me, doctor, can I ask you a question?" "Certainly," the doctor replied. "Tell me," she said. "Your mother knows that from this you make a living?"
"Dyselxics Have More Nuf" - Steven Wright One-Liners
A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies: "I don't know Mr. *****, I'm only here to wash yourface and hands."
He struggles again to ask: "Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies: "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Nurse," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced: "Nothing wrong with your testicles."
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again: "I said...Are my test results back!?"
The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this ...
Three Big Bad Bikers went into a roadside Truck Stop and went up to an older gentleman at the counter who was having his breakfast.
The first biker took out his cigar and dropped it into the man's coffee. he didn't say a word and resumed eating his breakfast.
The second biker tipped over his glass of orange juice. Still no reaction.
The third ugly guy dumped the guy's plate of bacon and eggs on the floor. The little old man got up without saying a word, paid his bill and left the cafe.
"He wasn't much of a man was he?" questioned the leader of the pack. "No," said the waitress, "and not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over three Harleys in the parking lot."
(9/29/03) - From Ernie
From: "Braindroppings" by George Carlin:
People I Can Do Without:
*People who whistle cowboy songs during a funeral.
*Anyone who refers to Charles Manson as "Chuck."
*A tall man with a Slavic accent wearing a bow tie of human flesh.
*Any couple who owns "his and hers" rectal thermometers.
*A girl whose wallet contains nude photos of Sam Donaldson or Yassir Arafat.
*Any man who can ingest a quart of vegetable soup through his nose in one long suck.
*A priest with an eye patch and a limp who's selling pieces of the cross.
*Anyone who takes off work on Ted Bundy's birthday.
*A man with gold front teeth who wants to play stud poker on the floor of the bus station men's room.
*Anyone who gets plastic surgery in an attempt to look more intelligent.
*A man with one cloven hoof who wants to give my daughter a hysterectomy.
*A seventy-year old man wearing gag underpants that say "We visited the Grassy Knoll."
*Any man with a birthmark shaped like a hypodermic needle.
*Any woman who repeatedly gives me a high five during sex.
*A cross-eyed man in a New Year's hat reciting "Casey at the Bat" in latin.
*Anyone who receives e-mail from Willard Scott.
*A man who plunges a bone-handled carving fork though his neck in order to get my attention.
*Anyone with three nostrils.
*A retarded twelve-year old who carries more than six books of matches.
*Any man who gives himself a Harvey Wallbanger enema. On the rocks.
*Any person bleeding from three orifices who wants me to cosign on a loan.
100's more.... (8/31/03)
Not all jokes are funny. Some are sad jokes ....
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
At the end of his first day on the job, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "
(8/12/03) - Thank you, Sammy M.
The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
(8/2/03) - Thank you, Phillip D.L.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St Patrick".
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and get your $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
(8/2/03) - Thank you, Sammy M.
Q: What did Sherlock Holmes tell his sidekick upon discovering a tree producing sour fruit?
A: A Lemon Tree, My Dear Watson
Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"
"67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.
"If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"
The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.
"What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.
Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge"
A racist Canadian joke - May offend.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog".