December 27, 2009
In adult news,
KY Brand has introduced their latest lubricant jelly— a “Cayenne Pepper”
line —that has reportedly added “excruciating hotness” to the bedroom
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Also, "In one of the
largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming
to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on
January 10, 2009
Get me my broker, Miss Jones
…She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'...
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Also there: Cowboy boots
This is from a website by the CEO of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, the leading foundation protecting liberties and privacy in cyberspace. Brad Templeton created the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.funny in 1987 and moderated it from 1987 to 1992
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"Get my broker, Miss Jones."
"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"
More of The best financial jokes of 2008
Cock Ring Warehouse (YT)
December 22, 2008
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference…
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on…
November 28, 2008
The Symbols on My Flag
Davy Crockett shaking hands with Daniel Boone symbolizes how we need to put aside our differences.
The skull and crossbones, in the lower right corner, stands for pirates, and all that they have given us.
The angel holding the sword represents how guns are nice but swords are more of a “heavenly” thing.
The plow with the four-leaf clover symbolizes the luck of the farmer.
The quicksand represents the travails of life. The hand sticking out of it is so you know it’s quicksand and not just a dirty spot on the flag.
The bat stands for eternal life, through our lord Dracula.
The sheaf of wheat symbolizes the bounty of the land, and the hope that soon more things will come in sheaves.
The parrot represents the need to communicate, even if it’s only squawks.
The tin of paprika stands for paprika, a spice I hope to learn more about.
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From: The Symbols on My Flag and what they mean
Also, My First Day in Hell, and "We are gathered here, way far in the future, for the funeral of Jack Handey, the world’s oldest man. He died suddenly in bed, according to his wife, Miss France"... How I Want To Be Remembered
November 12, 2008
He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms
Free to good home. One small white male child. Uses very little food. Free Smallish Boy
The many faces of James Kuhn, the man with a different face for every day of the year
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A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.
Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?
He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.
Oh, how terrible! I am almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.
He dies of a broken neck.
A broken neck?
He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms…
May 10, 2008
A guy struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you, anyway?" the guy asked.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen? Thirteen!? My God, Girl! Get your clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing at the door as she left, the girl smiled. "Superstitious, huh?"
Re-post: Fiona Apple 1997 MTV Video Awards as interpreted by Janeane Garofalo and lip synched by Chris Glass
Smoke cow feet at the Engrish Menu
November 21, 2007
Negotiating with the Dentist
Meta-Joke at "Futility Closet"
A slew of Russian jokes on wikipedia
(Dentist clip above from Maggie’s Farm)
July 27, 2007
Don’t eat the bread
1. My aunt was sitting next to a stranger at a big dinner, and he started munching on the appetizers, so she elbowed him and whispered: “Don’t eat the bread – there’s a lot of good food coming”…
2. My cousins had to drive somewhere and got lost, so they asked a stranger “How can we get to so-and-so street?”
His answer: “Why do you have to go there?”…
A Rose is A Rose
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, “Hiroko-san, I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you.”
His friend can’t believe what he hears and asks for more information.
“It is as I said, Hiroko-san. Your wife is dishonoring you - she is making love every afternoon with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
Shocked, Hiroko-san decides to go home and confront his wife. He faces her and says, “I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
She replies, “That’s a lie. Where did you hear such mishegoss”
An old man sits down in the confessional at the church, and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest says, "Tell me of your sins, my son."
The old man says, "Well, Father, I'm 90 years old; I've been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I've always been faithful. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!"
The priest says, "I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?"
The old man says, "Oh, I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The priest says, "So what are you telling me for?"
And the old man says, "I'm telling everybody!"
(More at Dirty Jokes for Grandma)
A Harvard man and a Yale man are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The Harvard man proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the Yale man immediately makes for the exit.
The Harvard man says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate."
The Yale man replies, "At Yale they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Comic Wonder, a competitive arena for joke-tellers
(An old reminder about bread)
February 22, 2007
A man was sailing down a winding mountain road when a car swerved around a curve he was approaching. Its driver, a woman, rolled down her window, stuck her head out, and yelled "Pig!" at him. Thinking fast, the man put his head out and yelled after her "Bitch!" Complimenting himself on thinking fast for once, he tooled around the curve and into a large hog standing in the middle of the road
Q: How many members of a (given demographic group) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 'N+1 (where N is a positive whole number)' one to hold the lightbulb and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group. (From wikipedia blog)
A rich man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along in my Ferrari and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago," came the reply.
The George Bush I Should Have Pulled Out T-shirt
(No time to blog anything serious tonight. Sorry)
I need more readers. Please introduce this blog to everybody you know. Thank you.
December 30, 2006
A man walks into a bar
Recently she returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?". All the Guy Walks Into a Bar... Jokes. (From Coudal)
October 03, 2006
That's the last time I ever lend you a billy goat...
… and 49 other Punchlines You Can Use For Your Next Joke
A kid joke: It smells like updog in here
Danish artist Jens Haaning has produced posters featuring an Arab joke written in Arabic script. Installed on the streets of New York City, the typical joke offers a laugh to those who can read it, and may evoke feelings of dislocation and confusion among those who cannot. “When Guha lost his mind, he started to believe that he was a grain of wheat. His biggest fear was that a chicken would eat him. His wife became tired and persuaded him to see a doctor, which he did. The doctor sent him to a mental hospital…”
Do you see that tree over there? - The Vampire bat
“Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence” and other genuine quotes from UK Council letters of complaint
Did you hear that steve irwin died like he lived?
With animals in his heart.
Steve Irwin jokes
August 23, 2006
Soviet nightmare: Czechs sitting in Red Square and eating matzo with chopsticks
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with very low intellect read blogs with their hand on the mouse
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
Turn of the century racist jokebooks
'What do you think of our regime?'
'The same as you.'
'Then it's my duty to arrest you!'
I’m away in Vegas, Baby, Vegas, for a few days. This post has been pre-blogged for your enjoyment. Many More Hilarious Jokes and other Funny Stuffs Here /// Digg this post /// Add it to your del.icio.us. (I am not a serious person)
June 30, 2006
“I was just helping the sheep over the fence”
Eric Lynn’s version of Invitation to the party
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”
“Thank you. That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “In fact, every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I know, but he only gave me four pills"
What's up doc??? (Warning! Language issues!)
The Joke project sounds like a project that is traying to be as filthy as The Aristocrats, but not as funny. The above are some clips (More warnings)
See Jessica Alba nude (Warning: Very loud)
How to come home drunk and still get breakfast
March 19, 2006
I'd rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong
A friend of mine was taking a class by Milton Friedman at the U of Chicago, and after a late night studying fell asleep in class. This sent Friedman into a little tizzy and he came over and pounded on the table, demanding an answer to a question he had just posed to the class. My friend, shaken but now awake, said 'I'm sorry Professor, I missed the question but the answer is increase the money supply.' Other Economist Jokes
A guy and his Saint-Bernard walk into a bar. The guy says to the bartender, "This dog knows everything about music and can answer any question you have".
The bartender says, "You're nuts!" The guy says, "Go ahead -- ask him something".
So the bartender says to the dog, "OK, who is the greatest contrapuntal composer of the 17th century?"
The dog replies,"BACH". (Read more on Doggone it. From Lynn Space)
December 18, 2005
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher
Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" Other Philosopher Jokes
Jewish Greetings –
A. “Nice to see you again, Hymie.”.
B. “Nu, is this how my friend greets me? Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
A. “So how are you, Hymie?”
B. “Don’t ask.”
More Jewish Jokes
A new kinda chain letter: This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their sex life even more fantastic. As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you Can only win. Green banana. (Many more at Rusty Brooks’s Joke mine). Also, On Thursday, May 10th, I installed a gigantic mountain of bananas- well over a ton of them - in the historic town square in Piotrkow Trybunalski in Poland…
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A: 45 minutes.
More Sick Jokes from “Neon Bubble”. The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savory taste and, in some instances, downright sick. However, if you're offended by offensive jokes you really, really, really shouldn't read any further
In-Progress Ideas for New Yorker Cartoons
Actual Medical Charts
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
I am on vacation and am possibly writing on my new Moving to New Zealand blog. This item had been pre-posted for your enjoyment. Many More Hilarious Jokes and other Funny Stuffs Here. I am not a serious person.