May 30, 2005
This is a smallish yet loud dog. It is not small enough to fit in your purse, but who the hell are you kidding, you're no Paris Hilton. Sizewize, it is somewhere between the Taco Bell dog and Benji. It is brown and white, or possibly just white but dirt caked. I think it's about a year old. I think that because it's been about a year since I've been able to sleep past 6:30am without being awakened by the barks of a medium sized dirty dog. I don't know that it knows any tricks, but it is very skilled at shitting in my yard and barking incessantly. I think it is a boy dog, but I only think this because the owner of said dog is a misogynistic, wife beating dirt bag, and I can't imagine that he'd have a girl dog, but I could be wrong about that. I've never gotten close enough to the dog to check out its goods, so if gender is a deal breaker for you, you might want to pass on this one. I don't know this dog's name, but I can tell you that it does not answer to "JesusChristPuhleeezeShutTheFuckUp!!!" If you're looking for a dog with that name, than this is not the dog for you.
The one tricky part about this transaction is that technically, this is not my dog. In fact, there is no "technically" about it, this is definitely not my dog. This rank creature belongs to my next door neighbor, The King of Rank Creatures. What makes this whole scenario feasible is that said next door neighbor has the disposition of a drunken Boo Radley, and will almost certainly not even realize or care that you are in his yard stealing his dog. Also, as the next door neighbor, I will provide excellent look out skills.
Original here: Craig’s List Jan 28
Break-Up Letter. Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore
Reach! Lecture Musical from Prangstrup
May 08, 2005
WOMB FOR RENT - WARM & COZY - SELDOM OCCUPIED - MOVE IN TODAY! - 26
This is the first Grow-a-brain post where I am compelled to copy some complete text & duplicate it here. An old Craig List Best, that might be deleted in the future, so here you go:
VACANCY - WOMB FOR RENT
My name is Maggie. I'm 26 years old, attractive & sexy. I'm an aspiring actress and landlady of a very special piece of property. I'm placing my property on the market.
This is a beautiful piece of property, that will comfortably accommodate one nice man, and occasionally a women, if there's a party.
1) Male tenant preferred and Female visitors allowed
2) Must be successfully employed, or retired
3) Must be clean cut, honest, and reliable
4) Must be respectful of the Landlady's property and treat it gently and with the utmost care.
In seeking a tenant the Landlady does not discriminate by age or race.
1) Very small & tight quarters. Perfect to lay your head down.
2) Manicured and neatly trimmed dark blond shrubbery, leading to a bright pink inviting entrance.
3) The interior is always well kept, clean, and fresh. The landlady always keeps the place nicely scented.
4) The property comes with all original appliances, that were installed 26 years ago. The appliances are in excellent condition, hardly used and well maintained.
5) The property is always dark, damp, and moist, and doesn't get much sunlight. However, the few tenants that have occupied the property in the past have really enjoyed it that way.
6) There is a 'WELL' on the property, that will spout a gusher from time to time. In order to get the benefit & pleasure of the gusher, it will be the tenant's sole responsibility to correctly sink a shaft and erect a pump. The pumping must be done vigorously. During the pumping, the tenant must supply and place a couple of his own large stones near the opening to the 'WELL', thus preventing anyone from falling in accidentally. Please note, when removing your shaft & pump you must be careful not to leave the opening any larger then you originally found it. This helps to prevent any unauthorized use or entry into the 'WELL'.
7) The entire property is free of all diseases and vermin. The tenant must promise to keep it that way.
8) The exterior facade of the property is absolutely beautiful. It features a blond colored roof, freshly touched up, but mostly natural. There are two large round headlights mounted near the top of the facade. The high-beams are pointed straight ahead, and not towards the ground. This lights up the entire driveway making it easier for you to enter the property at night.
9) They always say, "Location, Location, Location". This property is centrally located in Manhattan.
1) Please, No Dogs Allowed. But a little Pussy is nice.
2) Party & Entertaining Policy: The walls are strong and in great shape. So, having loud and wild parties, and banging against the walls is allowed & encouraged. Also, if you have a couple of friends that you hang around with, and they're 'NUTS', it's okay to invite them. They're always the life of the party.
3) All deliveries must come in the front door. There is a very nice rear door, but that's ONLY used to take out the trash.
4) You must be able to move in and out, rapidly and repeatedly, on short notice, if necessary.
5) Sorry, no short term transients. You must make a commitment to a long term lease.
6) All prospective tenants must pass a credit and background check, prior to taking possession to the property.
7) The rent is negotiable. Make an offer. The tenant should feel free to make improvements to the property at their own expense. Redecorating & dressing the property up, as well as scenting it with expensive perfumes, is highly recommended.
If you're interested in applying for this property, then email your application to the landlady with all your important details. It would greatly help if you would describe the tenant and the size of your personal belongings. Since, the premises are VERY SMALL & TIGHT, you may not be able to fit large personal belongings. Send photo of tenant and personal belongings, if available.
Upon receipt of your email, I will immediately send all approved applications, photos of the landlady together with her fine piece of property. If you like what you see in the photos, we can arrange a private showing. At which time you may be asked to leave a deposit on the premises. So please come prepared.
P.S. Also for convenience, there is an eating establishment on the premises, for those who enjoy eating at the 'Y'.
An hilarious Metafilter thread about the Best Logo of All Time kept me in stitches. The original site is down, obviously, but the red & yellow logo is represented above
Also, "Happy belated Cinco de Mayo"
March 20, 2005
“If I had a nickel for every time an alpaca stumbled into my _______ and nibbled on my_______, I’d have $17 by now.” From Davezilla’s Complete This Sentence List
The 8 phases of goatse. Phase 1: Shock - "OMGWTF!" *MINIMIZE......*
From Jesse Reklaw’s Slow Wave cartoon strip: “My doctor tells me I have six month to live”…
Subservant sanjeev at the Nevashut minimart
Fishing for Proof. Finally a proof that the earth was created 6,000 years ago - a fishing rod stuck in rock
My Family’s Power Rankings. Guess who’s No. one
Squooshy Pineapple. A picture, they say, is worth a thousand words. These pictures are worth about a thousand lawsuits
What would you take with you if you were stuck on a desert island?
“Swank Signs”, dedicated to the art of Mocking public works
January 08, 2005
Pining for the fjords
Looking out over the East River from my jail cell, and still running for public office, I realize that I have taken several actions in my life for which I owe public apologies…
When I was twenty-one, I smoked marijuana every day for one year. I would like to apologize for the next fifteen years of anxiety attacks and drug-related phobias, including the feeling that when Ed Sullivan introduced Wayne and Shuster he was actually signalling my parents that I was high. I would like to apologize to my wife Karen, who still believes in me, and to the Marijuana Growers Association of Napa Valley and its affiliates, for any embarrassment I may have caused...
There are several incidents of sexual harassment I would like to apologize for:
In 1992, I was interviewing one Ms. Anna Floyd for a secretarial position when my pants accidentally fell down around my ankles as I was saying, "Ever seen one of these before?" Even though I was referring to my new Pocket Tape Memo Taker, I would like to apologize to Ms. Floyd for any grief this misunderstanding might have caused her. I would also like to apologize to the Pocket Tape people and their affiliates, and to International Hardwood Designs, whose floor my pants fell upon. I would especially like to apologize to my wife Karen, whose great understanding fills me with humility…
Finally, I would like to apologize for spontaneously yelling the word "Savages!" after losing six thousand dollars on a roulette spin at the Choctaw Nation Casino and Sports Book. When I was growing up, the meaning of this word in our household closely approximated the Hawaiian "Aloha," and my use of it in the casino was meant to express "Until we meet again"...
Elsewhere: Pre-date Confidence Builder
El capturo de Saddam and other News in Spanglés: Este weeko we markamos el one-year anniversario de el capturo de Señor Saddam Hussein, el most wickedo hombre en la entire galaxia
December 11, 2004
Man of the year Award
The Flame to End All Flames . >Subject: Re: 500M swap space
An old ‘Brunching’ Quiz: Are You On Fire? When someone in an action film is set on fire and runs around screaming and rolling around and begging for help, do you think to yourself "Yeah, I know how he feels"?
Man of the year Awards. I like “First place”…
3-D Goatse. (Warning: Goatse!)
Here’s proof that Storm Troopers are indeed normal humans just like us
Great moments in the glorious history of boobs, from “Dribbleglass”
Illiterate? Write for free help.
October 23, 2004
Fun related program activities
The Alien Song by Victor Navone. (From “American Digest”)
Find Hitler! The cunning dictator is hiding.
I would like to partly-recommend Jon Stewart’s book Naked Pictures of Famous People (1998). A few of the sketches are pretty good: The new Judaism, Pen Pals, and Adolf Hitler: The Larry King Interview which you can hear here
Defective Yeti asks his readers for jokes. Some are ok.
How to tell if your wife is a porn star. (From "Weekly World News")
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Bullshit Bingo will change all of that
W. Bruce Cameron’s The Chili Judge
Grab a Grow-a-Brain Graphic for your site!
September 06, 2004
The Official Website Opening Hat
"Good news! The kettle is mended!" John Cleese announces the official introduction to his new website, wearing the very exact same hat that Albert Einstein wore when he opened his website. (Indeed, as of today, Google has yet only that one result for the term "Official Website Opening Hat")
Extremely funny break-up lines of various philosophers
“Security breach at Los Pantalones”, and top 9 other ways to tell a man his zipper is down
How to be funny. Being funny is hard work
The archives of Jackie Harvey "Outside Scoop" can only be accessed now with paid Onion subscription. So, here’s a quote from last week’s column: “Hot Toiletry! As soon as I'm done with my stick of Arid XX, I'm going to break into the five-pack of Mitchum Gel I bought at the Price Club, on sale for $7. Who can pass up a deal like that? Plus, I love supporting Robert Mitchum and his wife Lady Mitchum. I hope it works, since I'm going to be using it for the next year…”
The Rigging Of A Ship: 256 fast nautical terms
August 04, 2004
Bad Ideas: Don’t Do Stupid things Like Me. For example: 2) Do not stick your fingers in cigar cutters when you’re drunk just because someone said "hey stick your finger in here”. 11) check the expiration date on orange juice before making shooters. 48 more.
Don’t throw a brick straight up: Another Stupid Person's Guide To Life. Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner's manual? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you've come to the right place. This page provides, free of charge, a short "guide to life." In here, you'll find most of the information you need to live life day by day without inadvertently maiming yourself. Read carefully
Irregular snow series from Carey Ann Schaefer
Welcome to NurseryPhotos.com - where you can find your own nursery photo online …
The Pickle Dance
April 25, 2004
Making the rounds today: “ Hey Crackhead Yes, you! Why don’t you own a Crack pipe?!”
Viral Marketing of the bad kind - The infamous Doubletree Presentation - Yours is a Very Bad Hotel
Truth, honesty and the deepest form of sincerity are always close at hand with those Honesty Stamps
Small, delightful vignettes from “Very Important Things”, like ‘Here at the center for mental health, we put the “pulse” back in obsessive compulsive, “man” back in manic depressive, and “aixelsyde” back in dyslexia.
Noel’s Pee Pee, gas & Minimart road sign
Seen on the side of a bus - “Our prices are Sofa-King low!”
Mikeyboy does a goatse (Not endorsed by the Vegetarian Society but I wish it was)...
March 25, 2004
Did you hear the one about…
I don’t take quizzes, but you have to
Take the “What type of blahblah” are you?” quiz from “Sugarmama”
Interactive Apologies from “Nobody Here” – Add your own!
"Hot Dog Boy" has a new short film - Please watch all 16, if you like them.
Sixteen Things it took me Over 50 Years to Learn by Dave Barry. Some are obvious (Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night), some are less obvious - You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. (From “Driko”)
Giving 100% For Those Who Still Work : Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. But wait, there’s more.
March 08, 2004
NASA just discovered Water on Mars, from “b0g”.
Crocodile Tears from Ze Frank.
”Save the Pinata”, from “Turnpike Films”.
What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'? - Monty Python's “Life of Brian”
A Tribute to Goatse. A thumbnailed version is available too. Obviously, some of the images are offensive to people who don't know Goatse...
February 17, 2004
You've seen one, you've seen two, now you can see all the
Last 12 Pages of the Internet , from Mark.
February 13, 2004
The Most Complete and Most Useless Collection of Pick-Up Lines. Great effort was made to deliver the largest collection of pick-up lines anywhere to you, the reader, without a lot of hassle. Nearly 1100 lines in nine categories for your browsing pleasure…. (From Attu)
Hippo Girl, from “Rather good”
Israeli body painter Yossi Bitton (I'm not certain if he is the artist behind the enclosed photo).
January 31, 2004
Here are the 2003 “Grow-a-Brain” Funny links.
13 Reasons why you are not my Boyfriend - No. 1: You wear Hawaiian shirts without irony, but do not live in Hawaii... - 12/24/03
Bruce Sherin's brand new Weblog makes me laugh, including "The Flintsteins" which is a lot like The Flintstones but Jewish - 12/21/03
Christian pickup lines - 9/19/03
Coffee Table Books of the Damned . Extremely Funny, especially: "Beautiful Women of the Taliban", Visions (The photography of Ray Charles), "I shot the Missus", Baby Storage, "Yosemite - Angry Drunken Midget", A spoonful of Puppy, The greatest colonoscopies of Denmark, "100 easy ways to Date Rape", much more. (From "J-Walk") - 12/17/03
Don't mess with my Disgruntled Shirt - 12/11/03
Do the French have a sense of Humor? - 12/22/03
Farm Sluts (QuickTime required)
Found on a barrel - TOXIC WASTE -- DO NOT EAT - 1/10/04
(From yesterday's Onion:) Al Kozlewski Pulls A Kozlewski
CUDAHY, WI—Assembled after work at Gil's Tavern, friends of Al Kozlewski agreed Tuesday that the 39-year-old steamfitter had pulled yet another Kozlewski. "Al came in and did that thing he always does," coworker Danny Fassle said. "He sat down at the table, drank two beers from a pitcher that someone else bought, and then suddenly decided that he had to get right home. A classic Kozlewski." When informed of the charges, Kozlewski said that if Fassle has a problem, he should "stop being such a Palaczyk and say it to my face." - 11/12/03
History of the world in 10 seconds - 8/24/03
How to Cook the perfect grilled cheese sandwich story. From the eclectic "Discordian Research Technology News" , (Death to all fanatics...)
Italy Vs. Europe , and you could say the same about so many other countries - 7/13/03
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty -
Jewish mothers' haiku. Thank you, Howard L.
Jim Anchower, the complete archives - 7/27/03
Jokes - 8/2/03
Like-new inline skates for sale - 8/6/03
National Do Not Spam Registry from "The Specious Report" - 7/27/03
Naughty Bunny: We saved a bunny from a car park last week.
We shouldn't have bothered.
We don't have the bunny any more
The New Year's Resolutions of Rick Bruner:
Start beating wife - 1/7/04
Obligatory Ze Frank Link: "Blow Face" - 1/12/04
"Our long nightmare of peace & prosperity is finally over" - The onion 1/18/00
Questions about South Africa that were posted on a South African Tourism Website. Thank you, Howard L.
"Scary Signs" contest from "Worth 1000"
Steve Harvey's "Big time" - 1/11/04
"The Big Book of Sign Language": How to say Whoop-Dee-Doo I'm Pragnant, (From Ernie's) - 11/6/03
URAPUTZ and other complains about vanity license plates
Wedding Vows - 10/5/03
WMD's Concentration game - 7/14/03
World's Most Dangerous Creature - 10/22/03