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March 23, 2008

...The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...

“…If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters…”

“…I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect…”

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”

“…Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we’ll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?...”

“…I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater…”

“…What do you call someone who can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle? Fat…”

“…Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time…”

…'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy’…

...I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'...

Martin’s palindromic poem "Dammit, I'm Mad"

...I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies'...

A Huge Depository of Steven Wright One-liners and other comedians Here

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March 23, 2008 in Comedians - Steven Wright | Permalink

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Comments

Wow, I had no idea...nice!

Posted by: TheSmartGuy at May 29, 2008 9:33:31 PM